His presence

Jesus is like the most delicious piece of fruit I have ever eaten. It’s so good I cannot stop eating it; juice dripping off my fingers with a huge smile on my face. I just cannot get enough of His presence in my life.

I want my soul back…

I want to believe, to love, to care again.

I want to walk away from all this stuff that I sold my soul for.

I want to “live simply so others may simply live”.

I want to work with my hands again; by the “sweat of my brow”.

I want to interact with precious people created in the image of God; not with numbers and letters in a computer.

I want to know them, know the man that I married, know the children I gave birth to, and know the home that I live in; know the land I live on.

I want to be connected again to all that is real in my life and release all that is false; that I allowed to distract, entertain and comfort me all these years.

I no longer want to cling to “things” or behaviors that give me a false sense of intimacy so I can hide from the true intimacy with others that I desperately need.

I want my soul back.

To burn for Christ

This morning I was in God’s presence and I asked to know the secrets of His kingdom.

As I continued to pray He told me all about what it really means to be consumed by Him; by His Spirit, His fire. He reminded me that everything He created is being changed by the environment it exists in. Our atmosphere is full of oxygen that we need to breathe but that oxygen also ages us. It interacts with our cells and with matter in general and oxidizes whatever is exposed to it. The more energy, life that is generated by matter the quicker it is consumed, changed as a transfer of energy generates heat and that speeds up the process hence how quickly matter is consumed when it is exposed to heat and lit on fire.

To be consumed is to be changed from one state of existing to another as the process changes the chemical composition of matter whether it is food that is consumed or anything burned in a fire or even exposed to freezing temperatures.

So what does it mean to be consumed by or to be on fire for God?

When I fully surrender my life to God my doubts, fears, worries, attachment to people and possessions are consumed by Him and are no longer mine to hold onto. I belong to Him completely. 

I believe it is this process of my drawing near and surrendering to my holy and powerful God where I am exposed to the fire of His Spirit and consumed, forever changed in His presence. I am not the same.

To burn for Christ is to surrender all to Him and how powerfully His Spirit moves, burns in me depends on my willingness to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me, to pour me out on His behalf. As I am poured out I am being continually filled with more of His Spirit, His power as long as I continue to stay surrendered to Him. His Spirit in me is increased in intensity and I am able to burn hotter and brighter for Him. There is a transfer of energy in and out taking place as I am poured into and out of.

I am alive to the fullest extent that God created me to be.

I am then free to fulfill His plan and purpose for my life.

I matter and I always did matter to God

August 10, 2011

I spent a half hour sobbing and weeping in the bathroom at work today. I saw a homeless person last night and felt such compassion for him. Holy Spirit showed me that I have lived like a homeless person my whole life thinking I did not deserve anything and had to earn and prove that I deserved love, acceptance, provision, protection and that I belonged anywhere. I felt I always had to keep moving and doing as my just being me was not acceptable. I confessed that I had believed this lie my whole life. I repented, rebuked and released it and asked God for forgiveness for treating Him like He did not love and accept me just as I was.

I wept for the little girl I had been who believed this lie and suffered thinking she was all alone for all those years.

I no longer have anything to prove. I have nothing to hide from God, myself or others. I can trust God with my dreams and my future. I have nothing to lose when I trust Him.

I am a child of God who has and has always had incredible value in His eyes.

Time to hand it all over…

Jesus wants me to allow Him full access to my heart; so I can know Him at a deeper level. I need to understand who Jesus truly is so I can know truly who I am in Him at a much deeper level.

I need to surrender all my effort, power, control, and my desire to earn approval from Jesus and others. I am to lay it all down to make room so I can draw closer to Him.

I admit that this scares me but where else can I go?

Where can I run and hide from Jesus where He could not find me?

I cannot hide and protect myself  from Him. Jesus already knows my thoughts, my motives, my desires, and my dreams. The trick here is surrendering so I can know Him. I just do not have the strength to wrestle with my Jesus, my Daddy and my Holy Spirit anymore.

Yes, I have lots of questions that I have refused to ask Jesus as I have been afraid to hear the answers. My being openly transparent  and vulnerable with Him terrifies me! Allowing Jesus access to all my brokenness leaves me feeling totally powerless.

As I openly admit my anger, confusion, resentment and bitterness I feel so naked before God. I realize now that I have no right to hold onto this stuff. Jesus paid the price to redeem all of it. It has been bought and paid for. It is time to hand it all over, finally. It was getting pretty heavy anyway having to lug it around all these years.

What will Jesus ask of me? 

Where will Jesus take me? 

I have no clue.

What will it all cost? 

Nothing compared to the price Jesus paid to redeem me!

So I feel like the most irresponsible and biggest kid as I now hand over the full responsibility for all I have ever been and ever done and all I am and will ever do and be to Him. : )

Sometimes I have to get out of my car…

I have been thinking about car accidents lately.  

They can be so violent, just a fender bender or a scratched bumper but you definitely come into contact with another person’s car or property and that is a form of intimacy. God is showing me that there are people I have crashed or bumped into along my journey and that I had a choice each time.

I could have gotten out of my car, assessed the damage and made it right, if I was at fault, or allowed the other person the opportunity to do so or chosen to take off from the scene of the accident. I mostly chose the “hit and run” option and I thought I left it all behind me. But it was never resolved and I carried the damage, the baggage with me until I became willing to go back and face it. That meant stopping my car long enough to see and accept the truth and then going back to the other party involved and this scared me.

I wanted to go through life never or very infrequently having to get out of my car. Kind of like always cruising through a drive through to get my needs met or to take care of unpleasant situations in my life and if I did get out of my car; taking off at the first sign that there was going to be conflict or pain involved.

I guess I never would have gotten out except for the fact that I crashed and finally totaled my car. I could not continue to drive around acting like everything was okay anymore. Besides, I was not fooling anyone. The outside of my car was so dented and scratched and just because I did my best to ignore the damage it did not hide the truth from others. It was very obvious to anyone around me that I was not good driver.

This time I was not able to use the usual duct tape and rubber bands to get it going again. I finally chose to surrender and let God slowly put my car, my life back together again. I have had to stop so many times since then and there has been so much insurance information exchanged.

I have taken responsibility for my actions and I have forgiven so many for the damage they did to my car that was not my fault but to be honest…

I still do not want to get out of my car.

I know I will struggle with this till the day I get to leave earth and hang out in Heaven. It is only God’s grace that enables me to cry out for the strength to open my car door and the courage to step out and face my brokenness. And while I am outside I get to do life with others who are willing to get out of their cars too.

Sweet : )

Like water running through my fingers…

It’s all like water running through my fingers. I could not control or hold onto all that my Daddy is giving me; even if I tried to.

I cry when I think about everything He is doing in my life; all that I cannot understand or fathom that He is working together for my good. I am overwhelmed when I think about all the people, the circumstances, all that He has brought into my life. All I can do is accept them and all that comes with them; the joy and the sorrow.

I feel like my heart is being stretched open to the point where it hurts and I cannot see how anything more could be put into it or poured out of it. I can only see through my limited vision and understanding but through Jesus Christ and what He gave for me; my capacity to love and to be loved is limitless.

Christ’s love compels me to die to my flesh and allow the Holy Spirit to move me, change me and pour His love out through me to others.

2 Corinthians 5: 14-15

For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live shall no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.

Heidi Baker

“Jesus wants to fill us to overflowing so that His presence will touch every single person who crosses our path in life. “

“We need the fresh bread of His presence to feed the starving.”

“God is looking for people who are hungry enough for Him alone that they can feed a nation with His presence.”

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Isaiah 52:12

Isaiah 52:12 For you shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight; for the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

While praying with my husband last night I had a vision of a lion outside of our home. I was scared at first worrying about the animals and for my children as it was so big and powerful looking and it was ready to pounce; as it prowled around. But then I noticed these thick ropes were tied around its body. They were the same color as his fur so not easy to see unless I really looked closely.

I remembered the vision this morning and then my Daddy showed me that my enemy, Satan, is prowling around my home, my family looking for any opportunity to exploit any weakness, circumstance, relationship; to steal and destroy. The ropes he was bound with represent that he is limited, bound, only having the power allowed by Almighty God and that I have nothing to fear but I am to be aware that my enemy is ever there looking for an opportunity to attack me.

I am to fortify and strengthen my defenses, my marriage, and relationships with my children and most importantly draw as close as I possibly can to my Daddy, my Jesus and my Holy Spirit. So I can be filled with His power and walk in the authority I have been given to stand against anyone or anything that would come against me, my marriage, my home, my ministry, my church; my purpose in His Kingdom.

Lies will seek you out but the truth must be sought

“The lies the government and media tell are amplifications of the lies we tell ourselves. To stop being conned, stop conning yourself.” — James Wolcott

“Lies will seek you out but the truth must be sought.” – D.R. Schoon

Being His hands and feet looks like something

And it costs something every time I must yield and deny myself in order to give someone else what I never received and still desire.

And yes it is better to give than to receive but dang it when is it my turn to receive it! : (

I guess I have the unique perspective of understanding the pain and loss that goes with not receiving what I needed so I, more than most, can see the need and have the opportunity to fill it in someone else’s life.

Rats and Double Rats!

Of course the answer is always obedience and focusing on all the other blessings I have been given instead of focusing on what I do not have.

Easier said than done : (

Releasing all that I needed and never received is and has been a slow and painful process for me and all I can do is trust and obey.

Trust that my Daddy knows what I need.

He knows the desires of my heart and I can trust Him for all of it: my past, my present and my future. 

And then I am freed up to obey so I can be Jesus with skin on for someone else who needs Him

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